I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
