he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
