Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
