um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
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As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He better not be in your backpack
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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