how do flat chested girls get laid?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
