she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
