I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
