The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
