Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
