Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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