new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
