Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i wish my penis had a tongue
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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