I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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