the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
