Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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