I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
