I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
