...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
