Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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