i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
