You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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