All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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