We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just had sex on a roof
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
