I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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