I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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