She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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