my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
