Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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