3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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