Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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