My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
