Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
