So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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