Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
