Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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