I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Randomize
