My cat gives me a boner
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out