The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
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His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"