If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot