so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
