Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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