I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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