Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
