I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
