After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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