i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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