Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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