I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
