do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
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He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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