just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
