He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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