she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
