Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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