Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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