My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
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It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
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Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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