please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
