Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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