bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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