Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
