if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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